Did you guys hear? OMFG! The new Droid X has an HDMI output! H-D-M-I OUT-PUT!!!!!!! Magic cakes!!!!!!! Isn’t that a useful feature!

Oh, hey there Grandma! I know you’ve been jonesing for HDMI output on your phone because you totally know what that means and spent the $80 a normal retailer charges for an HDMI cable. And what’s that? You even bought the hard to find mini-HDMI adapter? Radical! Oh and I bet it’s easy, like falling off a log, to set up. Ohh nooeess!!! It’s notttttt?!

This is what using HDMI on an Android phone is actually like according to the tech savy, professional gadget blogging CNET:

After spending some time encoding various file formats and sizes, we found that MP4 movie files performed the most consistently. Also, files rendered closer to the Evo’s native 800×480 resolution worked best as larger videos stuttered and would not play properly on-screen.

Well, don’t worry about that Grandma! It’s a good thing we bought you all that file conversion software and that new Alienware gaming rig to convert your huge video collection to MP4 in your codec of choice. But wait! What’s that Grandma? You were actually hoping to show photos of your kids over HDMI? Well F*CK, apparently Android phones CAN’T do that. They can only use the HDMI output for the bundled video player and/or YouTube, so no luck. But don’t worry Grandma! You can still brag to all your friends that your phone rocks because it’s like totally open!!! Yay!!! And don’t be scared of that creepy robot eye either Grandma!

BUT OH WAIT. What’s this? The iPhone 4 has BABY-DMI Output! Oh SNAP! That phone just made a goddam baby! It’s miracle! Hallelujah!

And that dude is downloading the baby on his iPhone! Double snap!

No, I was wrong. That phone didn’t make that baby. That baby made that phone call. You can call MUTHAF*CK!N BABIES OVER VIDEOCHAT on the iPhone 4. And it’s so easy babies can make video calls.

Now’s that what I call a useful feature Grandma. So which would you rather have Grandma, the Droid X or the iPhone 4? Your call.

[Ed. Apologies for the uncharacteristically foul language in this post. The script demanded it.]