Up and to the Right

Now that the FT has confirmed the existence of an Apple tablet-style device running a future version of iPhone OS, I thought it would be appropriate to publish an advanced review of the product.

Now you may say to yourself “Hey, how can you write a review of something you’ve never used, let alone seen?!” And I’ll politely tell you to shut the hell up because here’s a little secret: I’ll get it 95% right now and Mossberg, Pogue and those other amateurs will fill in the least important 5% months from now. You can know most everything you need to know about technology and gadgets without ever seeing or using them. This review is based on just a handful of reasonable rumors from the FT and Engadget 1) It’s a 10” multi-touch tablet 2) Runs iPhone OS not OS X 3) Costs less than a MacBook but more than an iPhone 4) Probably EVDO and/or HSDPA ready. So here’s my otherwise totally fraudulent and 100% made up, yet probably spot on review. [Comments from my present day self in brackets.]

Awesome, but what is it?
Today [on launch day in 2009 or 2010] the iTablet is definitively a “nice to have” given its price point and jack of all trades, but master of none qualities. For instance, it’s great for watching movies, but so is my TV or my MacBook Pro. It’s great for reading a book…but so is my, um, book or (theoretical) Kindle. It’s great for listening to music but so is my iPhone or extensive collection of wax cylinders. It’s great for email, but so is anything with electricity and lights these days.

However, this device is packed with nearly unlimited potential and should become a want-so-bad-that-I-need-to-have in the near future as apps are developed for its SDK. It’s “good enough” at so many things that once one or two compelling and totally unique apps are developed for it that appear nowhere else, all of a sudden during your lunch breaks you’ll catch yourself trying to mentally justify the purchase until…one day you walk into an Apple store an whip out that American Express card and buy one (whilst sneering to yourself that everyone around you knows less about computers than you do.) And by the way—just like the iPhone—what constitutes the “compelling, killer app” will likely be different for different demographics.

What does the future hold?
I can’t tell you what you’ll use this for in the future because those applications haven’t been invented yet. [Ironic enough for you?] For instance, who could have predicted Smule’s Ocarina or Sky Burger for the iPhone? But I can tell you two places you will be using said future apps: while traveling (planes, trains, minivans, hotels, dolphins, mustaches) and in your living room (no bathrooms please). Eventually, you’ll start using your primary computer less and less—only to edit complex documents and download photos from your DSLR.

Hardware and Software
The overall design is beautiful and the screen is gorgeous and dense. [But what the f*ck would you expect from Jonny Ive and the Apple ID team?] The software is intuitive and it’s great to see Apple playing leap-frog with all that cool Palm Pre eye candy / features. [Of course Apple’s going to strike back and steal the Pre’s hardly audible thunder with their next OS revision. If you don’t see this one coming, you’re a complete jackass.] The on-screen keyboard is surprisingly good though still inferior to the real thing. Battery life varies with usage and is mediocre overall. [Get it? Well, laugh then. All gadget battery reviews are the same.]

Conclusion
Beautiful and captivating but expensive. [Insert “So is your mom” joke here.] Do you need it today? No, not at all. But do you want it? Yes.

Will this be something you buy in the next 24 months? If you’re the type of person who shops at Whole Foods, yes you will. You’ll travel with it on weekends to the Hamptons and Napa rather than carrying your laptop and it will be the coolest thing in your living room for watching that spur of the moment YouTube clip with friends. And it just might get you excited about gaming again as interactive board games come out for it. [Can anyone say Settlers of Catan for the iTablet?] This device should also have a huge opportunity in vertical markets such as healthcare, retail, automotive and high-end home theater.

[PS—As a Product Marketing guy, I can pretty much guarantee it won’t be called the iTablet or iPod Tablet because those names have all sorts of issues, but since Apple doesn’t pay me I am not going to spend the next two months coming up with an original or awesome name for it.]